Flames and Coals: Leadership Lessons in Anger vs. Disappointment
The other day, I found myself in conflict with a company I’ve done business with for decades. Our dispute wasn’t monumental, but the company’s response was inflexible, bureaucratic, and dismissive of our long-standing relationship. When the conversation ended, I was angry and frustrated that years of loyalty seemed irrelevant to them.
From Anger to Disappointment
Over the next few days, my anger faded and transformed into something darker: disappointment. I was disappointed in their decision-making and in the lack of loyalty. I was disappointed enough to consider severing our decades-long relationship.
Fortunately, a senior leader called, admitted the mistake, and apologized. That phone call mattered. It reminded me that our relationship was still valued, and my disappointment began to ease. The experience led me to reflect on the difference between anger and disappointment I felt and what that difference means for leaders.
The Campfire Analogy
I visualize it like a campfire:
- Anger is the flame. It rises quickly, burns hot, and is hard to ignore but it’s fleeting. Flames flare, then fade.
- Disappointment is the coal. Coals burn longer, deeper, and with greater impact.
- If you are cooking on a campfire, flames singe the the outside quickly, but coals cook all the way through and transform the item being cooked.
Anger is reactive, explosive, and visible. Disappointment lingers quietly and it’s far more likely to drive significant action.
Anger: Solving the Flames
When people are angry, they often treat the situation as a crisis. A key leadership lesson is that nobody solves a crisis with reactive anger. You solve problems with thoughtful action. Break the “crisis” into solvable parts and you stop reacting emotionally and start responding rationally. That reframing calms the flames.
Disappointment: Living with the Coals
Disappointment smolders and shapes long-term choices. When anger gives way to disappointment, leaders face decisions that are rarely perfect. This is where the least-worst option framework helps: evaluate trade-offs, weigh costs, and choose the path that preserves trust and minimizes long-term damage. You make the best decision you can at the time by emphasizing:
Principles, Humility, and Decisiveness
- Principles keep you anchored to what is right.
- Humility lets you admit mistakes and repair relationships.
- Decisiveness prevents disappointment from lingering unchecked.
Handled well, disappointment can become a catalyst for growth and deeper trust.
Why This Matters Beyond Business
We see anger daily with road rage, social media fights, and political shouting matches, but anger burns out. Disappointment is more consequential: it’s what makes customers walk away, employees disengage, and communities fracture.
Tools to Detect and Act
- Stakeholder mapping: Identify who is most affected before disappointment hardens into distrust.
- Decision loops (OODA): Observe, orient, decide, and act quickly with principles in view to address issues before they calcify.
Across history and institutions, the harshest judgments often fall on those who “should know better.” In our world, that dynamic appears whenever people feel betrayed by leaders or institutions they once trusted.
Bringing It Home
In my situation, anger made me upset with the people on the phone. Disappointment made me consider walking away. That’s the power of disappointment. It leads to decisions with lasting consequences. So what do we do with this insight?
For Ourselves
- Ask: Am I angry or disappointed?
- If angry, break the crisis into problems and act on a clear plan.
- If disappointed, use principles, humility, and decisiveness to prevent long-term damage.
With Others
- If they’re angry, don’t fuel the flames. Stay calm and help reframe the problem.
- If they’re disappointed, recognize the seriousness. If justified, own it and repair it. If not justified, acknowledge it and address it so it doesn’t harden into something worse.
The Leadership Takeaway
Anger burns bright but burns out. Disappointment smolders and if left unaddressed, it reshapes relationships, organizations, and even societies. Great leaders cool the flames and tend the coals, turning them into opportunities for trust, growth, and change.
